


Do-It-Yourself

by Biscuit Lion (cookiethelion)



Series: Valet Service [1]
Category: British Comedian RPF
Genre: Animal Transformation, Apes & Monkeys, Chinese Zodiac, Crack, Dog(s), Dragons, M/M, Master/Servant, Mild Language, Rooster(s), Sheep & Goats, hints of slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-29
Updated: 2012-02-01
Packaged: 2017-10-30 07:40:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,240
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/329398
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cookiethelion/pseuds/Biscuit%20Lion
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Thom sends Milton a broken flat pack desk, Milton's forced to find help from other Zodiac Valets.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Beta'd by Samurottsan  
> \----
> 
> 1\. [Valet Service](http://archiveofourown.org/works/326601)  
> 2\. **Do-It-Yourself**  
>  3\. [Shadow Puppets](http://archiveofourown.org/works/332687/chapters/537393)  
> 4\. [Three Of A Kind](http://archiveofourown.org/works/347835/chapters/565322)  
> 5\. [Goats & Dogs (and a Dragon)](http://archiveofourown.org/works/367242/chapters/596962)  
> 6\. [One For The Enemy](http://archiveofourown.org/works/385254/chapters/630833)  
> 7\. [Leave In Summer...](http://archiveofourown.org/works/423707/chapters/708441)  
> 8\. [...Yet You're Here In My Fluffoughts](http://archiveofourown.org/works/456509/chapters/785402)  
> 9\. [World Is Mine](http://archiveofourown.org/works/493852)  
> 10\. [Hurting For A Very Hurtful Pain](http://archiveofourown.org/works/501077/chapters/879676)  
> \----
> 
> DISCLAIMER:  
> I own nothing except the plot and Zodiac Valet concept. This fanfiction was written purely for fun, and not for profit. Any persons written is not intended to represent the real person.

Humphrey jumped as he heard something smack on the living room floor, seconds after the doorbell had rung and Milton had gone to fetch the door. Wondering what that was about, Humphrey left his bedroom and spotted Milton slicing through two layers of tape holding a large package that looked somewhat like flat pack furniture.

“What the hell?”

Milton looked up. “This, _sir_ , is a flat pack desk which came courtesy of one dog paw.” He pointed at the note taped to the front, where a paw print was stamped; Humphrey frowned, and kept quiet. He watched Milton break through all the tape, and then flip the lid open.

“What…?”

Every piece of furniture was broken, having been sliced through by claws; everything else remained intact. For a brief moment, Milton and Humphrey stared at the pieces, before the former looked up again and said, “I need my Item.”

“I thought you couldn’t touch it.”

“I can in this case, because I need it to contact my Clan.” Every Zodiac Valet belonged to a Clan, and each one contained exactly twelve members, one for each animal in the Chinese zodiac.

“…Why? Thom’s broken this –”

Milton ignored him and walked into the bedroom, where the jar was sat next to Humphrey’s laptop. He picked it up, but rather than unscrew the cap, he placed both hands on both ends, and once the pearl had settled, it started to glow. Humphrey halted by the doorframe, and watched Milton as he started to cycle through his Clan member’s Item of Services – the technical name for the items that bound a Zodiac Valet to their master.

Milton found the one he was looking for, and was about to speak to him when he felt another Item nudging against his; he rolled his eyes and allowed him through.

“Meet me at the usual in fifteen minutes,” he said. His pearl stayed still, and then tossed itself in an arch from one end of the jar to the other. Seeing as both men got the message, Milton put the item down, and his pearl returned to normal.

He grabbed the sellotape, turned around, and seeing as Humphrey was looking at him, said, “I can’t throw the package away, it counts as a gift, and the contract states that I have to uphold respect and manners for other Zodiac Valets and their masters.”

“Fine. So what are you going to do about it?”

“Build it, of course … once it’s been fixed. That’s where I’m going now –”

“Woah, hold it.” Humphrey shuffled aside to obstruct the doorway. “Don’t tell me you’re going out.”

“I am.” Milton stood some distance apart from him, both hands shoved into his coat pockets. Humphrey had no reason to fear Milton using his powers against him, but whenever he squared off against his Valet, there was always that uncomfortable feeling that any minute later, he would be lying on the floor, having been knocked back by a blast of wind.

“You can’t leave me for a desk –”

“I’m glad you’re finally showing your feelings.” Humphrey couldn’t help but colour a little. “You’ll be pleased to know the contract rules that all Clan business takes precedence over masters.”

“Why didn’t you tell me before?”

“Every time I’ve needed my members, you’ve either gone out, or asleep.”

“Asleep? What do you mean –?”

“I, unlike you, make use of night. It’s much easier to travel, for a start, I don’t have to fly at such a high altitude as I normally do.” As Milton spoke, he walked towards Humphrey, who also backed out and resorted to watching his Valet head for the package. Milton kneeled down and began to reseal the box.

“Don’t you ever have to sleep?”

Milton raised his eyebrows. “I’m a Dragon. We can sleep for two hours and still wake up refreshed for twenty-two hours of service.”

“OK, fine, if you’re going to abandon me –”

“You don’t have to pull that face. There’s enough in the fridge to keep you from starving, and I’ve already taken the bins out and changed the bag. The kitchen’s been mopped, but I will vacuum once I get back. Oh, and I think that lightbulb will blow soon; if it does, there’s a spare in the bottom drawer of your bedside table.”

With Humphrey defeated and the package secure, Milton opened a window and hopped onto the ledge. Once he found his balance, he clicked his fingers and a well-controlled gust moved the packaging towards him, making it seem as if it was being levitated. Humphrey stepped back, and watched Milton jump; he plummeted several inches before he shot upwards, aided by his invisible wings. He soon disappeared, shooting through the sky towards wherever their destination was.

***

Five minutes later, Milton landed in a forest on the outskirts of London, the package hitting the ground with a muffled thump. He glanced at his watch, saw that he was on time, and then looked around for his two members. When he didn’t see them, he took a step forward, and flipped his glowing palms over. He held his arms out, and a blast of air shot through the trees like an arrow.

As the ruffling of the trees and the movements of disturbed creatures died down, he heard two yelps, followed by the sound of two bodies falling out of a tree.

Smirking, Milton headed in; he was halfway to his target when he ran into Tom and Ben heading his way. Ben looked smarter than Tom, even if foliage was clinging onto his hair; his white blouse and black waistcoat were buttoned up, and his velvet red cravat was still firmly tied on. By comparison, Tom had left his blouse and waistcoat undone, and the hem of his jeans was fraying. Attached to the back of his belt was a plank of wood no bigger than a ruler.

The easiest distinction between Clan leader and member was in the clothing; while Zodiac Valets had no standardised uniforms, all members wore waistcoats, and all leaders had coats instead, though it was their choice whether they kept the waistcoats or not. Milton had hated wearing them; they had clashed with his choice of shirts. The moment he became leader, he had immediately swapped it for his current coat, and although it had been intended as a temporary fitting, he had grown too attached to even consider replacing it.

“Hi Milton,” said Ben, his cheeks flushing. “You, er, called for us?”

“Yes, I did,” said Milton. “Except I don’t think I told you to go up a tree. Tom, do up your shirt please.”

“I’m kinda hot though – “

“You’re distracting your boyfriend.” Milton had to flicker his eyes away, much like how Ben’s cheeks were deepening as he too looked away from Tom. With a chuckle that somewhat marred his “sorry”, Tom hastily did up his shirt, but not his waistcoat.

“Milton, what did you want us for?” said Ben, his face still red with embarrassment.

“This.” Milton kneeled down and began to open Thom’s present. “Tuck sent it this morning, but –” He flipped the lid open, and lifted some of the broken pieces. “– he’s broken them.”

“You want us to fix it?”

“Yes.”

“Move over Milton, this is what I do,” said Tom. His palms were glowing brown, and he had barely touched the pieces when the whole box was alight, followed by the sound of wood growing back, something not dissimilar to a falling tree. As predicted, all the pieces were restored to their original condition, and Tom grinned as he withdrew his hands; however, he stopped abruptly, his eyes on the top piece. Milton and Ben leaned in, and saw that a paw print had been imprinted in the wood.

“Oh for goodness sake,” said Milton, but before his palms could glow, something jumped out of a tree above his head, landed behind him, and a pair of hands covered his eyes.

“Guess who, sweetheart” said Milton’s assailant.

“I’ve told you before; _don’t_ call me ‘sweetheart’. Now get off me, Tuck.”

Thom lifted his hands, then jumped and hugged/headlocked Milton’s neck. Using his target as a swivel, he swung round and kissed Milton’s cheeks, before he let go and threw himself at Tom. The latter caught him, stumbled backwards slightly but found his balance, and unlike Milton, made no resistance of any kind when Thom kissed him on the cheeks as well. He pulled him into an extra hug, and when Thom got to Ben, he hugged him instead.

“So, Milton, did you like my gift?” said Thom.

“No. What was the point in breaking it?”

“Oh, you’re _really_ impatient today, aren’t you?” Thom pushed himself closer to Milton, and tapped the end of his nose with a finger. Milton shook him off, but Thom just put his palm on his chest.

“What – get off Tuck, I was asking you a question.”

“I know, sweetheart –”

“ _Milton_ –”

“– but you know what I’m like. I don’t send things without reasons. I thought you needed a new desk.”

“Why do I need –?”

Milton was stopped by the sound of incoming footsteps. He spun around, and to his surprise, saw David approaching them. Milton hadn’t seen him for several months now, and he was relieved when he saw that his azure dog collar was still clasped around his neck; now that his Item was in Humphrey’s hands, it was getting harder to keep track of his Clan members.

David stopped, also surprised to see them; whoever had called him there had clearly not told him about the gathering. Almost immediately, Thom leapt on him, pushing him onto the ground and drawing him into a full on kiss. Milton looked away again; at first, he glanced behind him, but when he spotted Tom pulling Ben closer to him, he looked up instead, and began to scratch the back of his neck.

He eventually coughed. “David, I know I didn’t call you, but please –”

David spluttered as he pushed Thom away, and sat up. “Sorry Milton.”

Thom got up, and as he brushed his hair back, he said, “Getting jealous, sweetheart?”

“Oh for – how many times do I have to tell you, it’s Milton. No, I am _not_ jealous, stop making it sound like I’m falling in love with you. David, why are you here?”

“Thom told me to meet him,” said David. “He didn’t tell me you, Tom or Ben would be here as well…”

Milton turned to Thom. “What do you want, Tuck?”

“If you _insist_. Well, I’ve got a problem, and I need your help, sweetheart.” Thom half-flung at Milton, pressing against him again, one arm around his waist and the other on his chest.

Milton was too annoyed to bother correcting him this time, or push him away. “If this a Clan problem –”

“No, master … well, master’s household. You see, there’s been a bit of a damp problem, and I had spent yesterday investigating it. What I _didn’t_ expect to find was what _looked_ like a trapdoor, though I can’t be certain –”

“And you need Tom to help you fix it?”

“How clever of you, sweetheart –” Thom rested his head on Milton’s chest, but the latter shook him off. “– but it’s not just Tom. If it is a trapdoor, then it might be too stubborn for me to pull it up, and that’s where I need Ben. As for David, I need him to check the tunnel’s not poisonous; and you, Milt, will have to supervise them as Clan leader.”

“Why are you after my members?” said Milton as he pushed Thom off him completely. “Get Tim, Ingrid and Miles to do it for you.”

“Tim won’t respond unless I get Mark as well, but I don’t need him. Ingrid and Miles are both in meetings, so I can’t get them out without making it seem suspicious.” The look on Thom’s face suggested that he already knew he had won, and as much as Milton wanted to disagree with him, he couldn’t find any other reason.

“ _Fine_ , where is it?” he said.

Thom smirked and kissed him on the cheek. “I knew you’d agree, sweetheart.”

“Milton.”

“Don’t forget your present.”

“You can take it.” Milton watched Thom lift up the parcel with no problem, then he started to levitate several inches off the ground. Behind him, Ben’s rooster wings materialised on his shoulder blades, and both Tom and David turned into a monkey and a black Scottish Terrier, respectively. Tom climbed onto Ben’s back, and the latter flapped his wings before he too was levitating.

Even with a heavy package, Thom didn’t seem to be weighed down at all, and he led the way, with David following, then Milton, and Ben and Tom.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beta'd by Samurottsan

Thom’s household was about five blocks away from Humphrey’s, and unlike Humphrey, Thom’s master had a proper 9-to-5 job, thus rendering it safe for a group of five Zodiac Valets to go round during the day (even if they had entered through the back door, as Milton insisted, for the sake of security).

The trapdoor in question was in the living room; the carpet had been lifted, and the door was clearly there, though it stuck out due to the rusting ring, rotting wood and collapsed pieces. Tom and Ben wasted no time in mending the wood and restoring the metal, respectively, and when it had returned to its original condition, Thom hooked his fingers around the ring and tried to pull it up. This only resulted in him falling over, and he moved aside for Ben to try.

“I told you I’d need Ben,” he said. Milton rolled his eyes; as much as he couldn’t stand Thom, he _did_ have a point at times.

Ben also hooked his fingers around the ring, before his hand glowed and shimmered, and what looked like a metal gauntlet formed. With the added help, he eased the trapdoor open. Everyone leaned in closer to glance down; rungs ran down the side of the tunnel, but it was impossible to see how deep it was, or where it lead.

“Come on David, in you go,” said Thom.

“Hold on, Tuck,” interrupted Milton. “Have you got a torch?”

“Of course I do, sweetheart.”

“ _Milton_.”

Thom reached into his pocket and pulled out a torch. He handed it to David (though not without sneaking a quick kiss), and then stood back. David began to descend down the rungs, eventually disappearing, although they could still hear him as he supposedly finished descending and touched firm ground.

With no word coming from him, Milton turned to Thom, and jumped as he realised how close their faces had been. Had he leaned further, his lips would have brushed his nose.

“What?” said Thom. “I only wanted to sit nearer to you.”

“I didn’t,” said Milton. Pause. “I still don’t understand … why a desk?”

“I told you, you’re going to need it.”

“ _For what?_ Hum –” Milton stopped himself in time as he threw glances at Tom and Ben. All contracts forbade serving Valets from exposing their master’s identity, and although Thom knew, having once served Humphrey himself, Milton had to keep the information a secret from his members (even if they _were_ distracted, kissing). “My master’s furniture is doing very well.”

Thom shrugged and pushed his face nearer Milton’s again; he flinched once more, and Thom pursued him, moving him backwards until he was bumping against the wall. With nowhere left to go, he dropped his head slightly so as to avoid any lip contact, and he held out his arms, stopping Thom from advancing any further.

“Alright, I lied. I only sent it to you because I care about you, and I was missing your company,” said Thom.

Milton narrowed his eyes, convinced that Thom was playing some kind of game. “I don’t believe you.” He flinched as Thom tried to stroke his jaw.

“It’s alright, you know. You can admit you’re jealous.”

“For the last time, _I am not in love with you_.”

“Really, honey?” Thom reached to comb Milton’s hair, and the latter slapped him on his wrist.

“What happened to calling me sweetheart?”

“OK, if you’re sure –”

“No, that is _not_ what I meant, Tuck –”

“You’re so _sweet_ –”

“Milton? Thom?”

Milton sighed in relief as David interrupted him. Thom crawled away from him, and headed to his actual boyfriend. Tom and Ben also hurried over, and so did Milton once had had recovered.

“That was quick,” said Milton.

“I went through it while transformed,” said David. “It’s not as long as I thought it would be.”

“Is it poisoned? Am I doomed to never kiss you again?” said Thom.

“No, it’s fine –” Thom chose that moment to ambush him, muting his words with a kiss.

“I can back that up,” added Thom when he broke away.

“What’s on the other side of here?” said Milton. He eyed Thom as he spoke; with any luck, he was going to turn a shade of purple from unexpected poisoning, and be bedbound for at least a week. He really wanted a break from having to put up with him.

“I don’t know; the tunnel leads to another ladder,” said David. “I haven’t climbed up it.”

“Right, let’s go,” said Thom. “David, Tom, Ben, you three first, seeing as you can transform, and Milt and I can’t.”

Milton kept his arms crossed, and watched as one by one, David, Tom and Ben descended into the tunnel. He was still watching Thom, and it was fair to say that he was disappointed when nothing drastic happened to him.

“You first, sweetheart,” said Thom, waving one arm over the entrance.

“It’s Milton. I’m fine following you. You go in first.”

“No, _you_ first – this is my household, which makes you my guest.”

Milton lowered himself down, though heavily distrusting Thom. He kept looking up, and never broke his glare from Thom, not even when they were both going down the ladder at the same time. When they landed, the others had already turned into their dog, monkey and rooster forms, with Tom holding onto the torch, albeit awkwardly due to his smaller hands.

“Come on, let’s go,” said Milton. He waited for the three animals to move ahead before he felt the entrance to the tunnel, realised how low it was, and then started to crawl after his members. Thom followed him, albeit rather closely. Milton felt he had to say something. “Are you looking at my –”

“If I can’t look at your beautiful face, sweetheart, the other end works as well.”

Milton’s hands clenched into fists, and the glow from his palms illuminated the way much better than the torch. Everyone stopped, followed by cries urging him to wait – 

A gust of wind that would have been harmless on the surface, but was rendered dangerous when used in condensed places like a tunnel, pushed them faster to the other end, though the force was stronger than Milton had expected, and instead of skidding to a safe land, they crashed into the wall instead. Dazed, Milton pawed the wall, and then dropped his arm, only to land on someone’s breast.

“Someone’s getting desperate,” said Thom. His voice seemed to be coming from underneath Milton. He looked down and started; he had somehow managed to land on top of Thom, but what was making it even more awkward for him was that Thom’s legs were apart, and Milton’s lower half was resting in between them. Their faces were, fortunately, too far apart to be mistaken for them kissing.

“Don’t you dare, Tuck –”

“Sweetheart –” Thom lurched forward, and even though Milton pulled back, their noses nearly touched. “It’s alright, you don’t have to be shy about it.”

Milton wasn’t going to answer; instead, he tried to get up, but he lost his balance and he grabbed Thom’s knees, breaking his fall but also resulting in him staring directly at his crotch. As if it couldn’t get any worse, David chose that moment to sit up, and he waved the torch, stopping it on them. Milton stood up, glad that the light only caught his waist and not his blushing face. Fortunately, David said nothing, but Thom, who also got to his feet, wrapped his arms around Milton’s waist and pulled him into a tight hug.

“Get _off_ Tuck,” said Milton, and he shook Thom off. “Where have Ben and Tom gone?”

David waved the torch again, and found Ben lying on the ground with Tom on top, though he was positioned so squarely on Ben it was hard to believe he had landed there by accident. Both were regaining their senses, and although Ben, who had recovered faster, tried to get up, Tom hugged him around the shoulders.

“Tom?” said Ben as he shrugged his shoulders. “Tom, wake up.”

“Not now …”

Milton clicked his fingers, and another gust brushed Tom off. It was enough to wake him, and as he staggered to his feet, he had a mix of disappointment and confusion on his face. Seeing as everyone was watching him, he added, “What? Don’t look at me like that.”

“Anyway …” Milton looked up as he spoke. They would have to climb up another set of rungs, but judging by how much colder this end felt, this one seemed much longer. “Ben?”

He flew upwards first, and seconds later, Ben also appeared, albeit struggling from the height he had to climb, and the fact that he was shedding feathers too. Milton grabbed his hand and helped him up, and they reached the end in no time. As expected, they were faced with another trapdoor; Milton tried pushing it open, and even after he used his powers, it barely opened.

Ben clung onto the rungs as Milton backed down, too tired to maintain his flight. With his free hand, he formed the gauntlet again and punched the door. It nudged open for a second before it collapsed in again, and as Milton neared it once more, he thought he heard someone moving.

“What –” Milton didn’t need to hear the rest of the sentence to know where they were, and he dropped several inches before he caught a rung and steadied himself.

“Isn’t that –” said Ben. Milton immediately shot up, clapped a hand around Ben’s mouth, and dragged him down, away from Humphrey.

“What the fuck? Why is there a trapdoor under the sofa?” said Humphrey. It was hard to tell where he was, but it sounded like he was moving something.

Milton landed and let go of Ben. He tapped his cravat, then reached over to touch Tom’s plank. He then gestured at them and David to run, and all three obeyed without a word. Once they were out of sight, Milton pointed up, and Thom started to ascend the ladder.

“This leads to your flat?” he said.

“Yes,” said Milton as he glided upwards. Both he and Thom blinked as Humphrey opened the trapdoor, and the tunnel lightened. Humphrey was kneeling over the entrance, and he remained there until the two Valets had got out.

“This doesn’t make sense,” he said. “We’re on the third floor, it’s impossible to have a tunnel here.”

“We’ll need to talk to our neighbours,” said Milton. He took off his coat and ruffled his hair. “I’ll go and see if they’re in.”

“Well, I’m coming sweetheart –”

“ _Milton_. No, you’re not, you’re going to follow David.”

Thom sighed and walked towards Milton. “ _Fine_ , sweetheart, I know when I’m not wanted. I’ll see you later.” Despite Milton retreating, Thom got there faster, and he dragged him into a kiss on the cheek. He then let go, hugged Humphrey, and descended into the tunnel, pulling the trapdoor shut as he did so.

“Am I allowed to go with you?” said Humphrey.

“Of course you are, _sir_ , but remember what we’re going as.”

“I _know_ , you’re my slightly crazy housemate.” He waited for Milton to stow his coat away into the wardrobe, and then accompanied him out of their flat.

They rarely saw any of their neighbours, to the extent that Humphrey reckoned they had never spoken before. He was trying to think what to say as he stopped in front of the first door; he glanced at Milton, but did not get one back. Nonetheless, he was confident that Milton could smooth things over first, and he took a tiny step back as his Valet rang the doorbell.

They waited for a minute, but there was no reply. Milton pushed the doorbell again, but still no response. He knocked several times, and when that triggered nothing, they figured that whoever was living there was probably out working.

They went down to the ground floor and tried the flat there, but they were met with the same response; nothing. Figuring that the owner was also at work, they returned to the flat and waited until it was seven before trying again. That attempt was also fruitless, and on Humphrey’s suggestion, they were going to try and catch them as they went to work the next morning.

However, whoever was living below them was becoming a master of evasion. Milton had been watching them non-stop since three in the morning, but nobody had entered or left the flats. When they tried knocking again for the next three days, they were met with no responses.

They had wonder whether the flats were up for sale or rent, but when they checked online, no results came back. Out of desperation, Milton had tried flying past their windows, and although he could see into the flats, he had espied nobody.

“ _Sir_ , I’m going to force them to come up to us,” said Milton at the end of the third day.

“How are you going to do that?” said Humphrey.

Milton paused, then said, “I know exactly how we’re going to do it … but I’m going to need your permission first.”

Humphrey steadied himself for whatever Milton was about to throw at him. “Why? What are you planning to do?”

“Well…”


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beta'd by Samurottsan

Having acquired Humphrey’s permission, Milton had once again called another member out to meet him. He went to the same forest, and he didn’t have to wait long when he heard hooves running at him. He sidestepped out of the way as a brown and white goat stopped, though not before the spot where Milton had been standing in previously.

“Sorry Milton,” said Matthew as he changed back into human form. “Didn’t mean to do that.”

Matthew was perhaps the smartest member in Milton’s Clan; each time Milton had summoned him, he was always wearing a tie, and he had never seen a button out of place. To Milton’s surprise, a pair of Angora goat horns rested on his head; the last time he had seen Matthew, his horns had been missing.

“It’s alright,” said Milton. “I need you to do me a favour…” He explained about the tunnel, and then let Matthew in on his plan to lure out the neighbours.

“You told this to him, and he still gave you permission?” said Matthew.

“Yeah, he didn’t seem to mind, especially when I, er, flashed my palms at him.”

“I wish I could have a master like yours.”

Milton paused. “We can find you one now –”

Matthew started and retreated by one stride. “I need a break. I’ve only had my contract terminated three days ago.”

“Oh. I’m sorry. What happened?”

“This.” Matthew loosened his tie, and pulled his collar to the left. Down the right side of his neck was a garland of teeth marks, some of which had been bitten so deep there were raw scabs covering the wounds. As if Matthew couldn’t make events worse, he also loosened his cuffs and pulled back both sleeves to reveal various bites, cuts, scrapes and rashes. “Her place was a mess; it wasn’t a household, it was a breeding center for rats. I should have ended my contract earlier.”

“You know, it’s _really_ not too late to get you a better master.”

“Thanks, Milton, but … I think I’ll wait for these to heal first,” said Matthew as he hid his wounds again. “Sorry, I shouldn’t have distracted you. We’re going to your master’s house now, are we?”

“Yes. How do you want me to take you?”

“We could try goat form.” Matthew changed again, and Milton attempted to pick him up. It was a task easier said than done, and they had barely hovered several inches off the ground when Milton had to drop him.

“I think I’ll just carry you,” said Milton. He waited for Matthew to change back.

“How –” Matthew yelped as he was swept off his feet. Seeing as that was the best option, Matthew wrapped his arms around Milton’s neck, and with both men in a conveniently slashy position, Milton was about to jump when he heard a voice shout from a nearby treetop.

“How could you betray me, sweetheart?”

“What the f –” said Matthew.

“Go away, Tuck,” said Milton, and without further ado, he flew off, not wanting to hear Thom’s reply.

***

Milton was careful to land on the roof without passing the flat; after all, Matthew, like so many of his Clan members, knew that Milton and Humphrey were flatmates, but beyond that, they knew no more.

“Are you sure this is going to work?” said Matthew.

“Of course it will. Go on, do it.”

Milton jumped off the roof and floated above Matthew, his palms glowing. Matthew’s palms were now azure as he positioned himself, before he raised both of them in the air. He paused, and then thrust them onto the roof. A torrent of water smashed through the roof, and plummeted its way down the block, its velocity boosted by Milton as he sent a jet of air after it, ensuring that it smashed its way through all the flats.

Somewhere below, Humphrey screamed, “MILTON”.

Milton lifted Matthew off the roof, and dropped him off several streets away, though not before he tapped his horns. Now that the task was finished, Milton turned around and slipped in through the window, where he was met with a soaked Humphrey, and an even wetter living room, now with a crater from where the water had landed. Save for the furniture, the room had been stripped bare in preparation for Milton’s plan.

“Milton … you … bastard …” said Humphrey, jets of water shooting out of his mouth as he spoke.

“I did warn you, _sir_.”

“No you didn’t, you told me it was going to be light rain, not a fucking waterfall. Look what you’ve done to my desk.” Humphrey waved behind him, and Milton blinked; the downpour had managed to hit the table, and even if he got Tom to look at it, it was beyond repair.

“Hello?” Humphrey and Milton jumped as they saw a face peering at them from the crater; Milton was too far back to be seen properly, and he flung his coat off before he stepped forward.

A man who appeared to be in his early thirties was looking up at them. His blonde, shoulder-length hair was stuck to his face, and his clothes – a red and white chequered shirt, and jeans – were also sticking to his body. His physique was bulky for someone who was roughly Humphrey’s height, but there were faint ridges of muscle prodding from his forearms.

“Hello …?” came another voice from the bottom flat. It was difficult to see who was at the bottom, but it seemed like a girl was living there.

“I’ll … I’ll come down,” said Humphrey. “Unless you want to …?”

“No, you come,” said the man. “I don’t mind.”

“OK. I’ll come up,” added the female.

Humphrey and Milton exited their flat, and they ran into her as they finished descending the stairs. She looked no taller than five foot, and had a slender physique, though her arms were firm and faintly muscular. Her waist-length hair was dyed black – Milton could faintly glimpse brown roots – and given how dry her t-shirt and pleated miniskirt were, it seemed she had managed to avoid being hit.

They said nothing as they knocked on the man’s door. He answered them, but they still kept quiet until the door was shut. His living room was not as badly ruined as Milton and Humphrey’s; most of his furniture was dry and intact, but the wooden floorboards would need to be replaced, and he had hung up a cream rug, which was still dripping out murky water. What caught Milton and Humphrey’s attention first, though, was a pillar; it was the only one in the room, and it its position was roughly right under the sofa.

“Please, take a seat,” he said. “Let me get a towel –” He disappeared into the bathroom and re-emerged with two towels. He kept one, and handed the other to Humphrey, who accepted it and dried himself at the same time.

“This is … odd,” said the female. “Who would have guessed it would rain all of a sudden? I’m Gertrude Archer, by the way.”

“Warren Sandford,” the male added. “It’s a pleasure to meet you all.”

“Hi, I’m Humphrey Ker.”

“Milton Jones.” Milton pointed at the pillar. “That’s a … rather unusual feature to have.”

“I didn’t put it in, it was already there when I moved in here,” said Warren. “I’ve been meaning to take it down, but I’ve been advised against it.”

“Oh? How come?”

“Apparently it was put in for necessary support, or something like that. A load of bollocks, if you ask me, but I can’t do anything about it, so it’s staying for now.”

“I’ve got one at mine as well,” said Gertrude. “What about you, Humphrey, Milton?”

“We don’t have it,” said Humphrey.

“Lucky you,” said Warren. “I could really do with the extra space.”

“Same,” agreed Gertrude.

Milton shuffled his foot to his left, and lightly trod on Humphrey’s. “I’m sorry, but I think we should start going. We need to talk to the insurers about this, don’t we, Humphrey?”

“Yeah, we should,” said Humphrey. Milton stood up, and Gertrude followed.

“I should do the same,” she said. “The earlier this is sorted, the better.”

Warren made no attempts to stop them; instead, he opened the door for them, and waved at them as they left. With Gertrude heading downstairs again, Milton and Humphrey rushed into the flat, and they locked themselves in Humphrey’s bedroom, though not before Milton had acquired his coat again.

“It’s in the pillar,” they said at the same time.

“Whoever had this house before me must have built it,” continued Humphrey. “Why to Thom’s house though?”

“You like asking difficult questions, don’t you?” said Milton. “Especially ones I can’t answer.”

“I wasn’t expecting you to answer them.”

“Oh, yeah, because it wasn’t a command, was it?”

“Are you alright, Milton?”

Milton didn’t answer; instead, he took out his phone, dialled a number, and then chucked it to Humphrey. “Tuck.”

“What?”

“It’s Tuck’s fault I’m annoyed.”

“What has he done?” said Humphrey as he turned around and followed Milton to the door.

“His gift.” Milton didn’t elaborate; instead, he unlocked the door and walked out. Humphrey was about to follow him out when the call was picked up, and he was forced to deal with the insurers first.

***

When Humphrey awoke, he was greeted by an irate Milton, who had replaced his usual sarcastic greeting with a half-arsed attempt to remain as friendly as possible. Humphrey decided to back away from Milton, and for once he refrained from talking to him, but the moment he entered the living room, he saw a brand new desk sitting in the same spot as the broken one. On closer inspection, he saw that the underside of the top part had a paw print on, and a tag was dangling from a drawer handle.

“I told you, sweetheart …” he read under his breath. Over the ‘sweetheart’, Milton had crossed it out and written his name in block capitals underneath. Humphrey figured that this was the same desk Thom had sent them several days ago, and rather than ask Milton, he decided to keep his guess to himself.

The furniture soon became one of Humphrey’s last concerns as the insurers and surveyors came round. They were baffled by the scale of the damage, and even more so by the answers they received (“So … this was done by rain coming through the leaking roof?” “Yes.”), and when they left, Humphrey was looking concerned.

“We can’t pass this off as rainstorm damage,” he said.

“Oh yes we can. Don’t ask me to cough up – I don’t have a salary, and I don’t have any need for money either, which makes me … ‘broke’.”

“It was _your_ idea –”

“We got somewhere, didn’t we?”

“Yes, but –”

“You did give me permission.”

“Again, yes –”

“Under our contract, that makes only you responsible for the costs.”

“Why didn’t you tell me this?”

“You should have asked – no, _commanded_ me to tell you.”

Satisfied that he had won the argument, Milton escaped to his room and locked himself in, leaving Humphrey to fume on his own. Nonetheless, no matter how irritating some of Milton’s actions were, he had managed to find information much faster than Humphrey could have ever done without his help. It was at these moments that he really appreciated his Valet, even if he wasn’t prepared to admit it … well, not yet anyway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Despite introducing Matthew as a Goat, I'm not sure if he actually is one. His star sign's Aquarius (as mentioned in Bangers and Mash), and given how Year of the Goat ended on 15 February 1980, I reckon there's a pretty good chance he's not a Monkey.


End file.
